The Question

What is the inner shadow?

“It contains all the parts of ourselves that we have tried to hide or deny, the parts we believe are not acceptable to our family, friends, and, most importantly, ourselves. It is made up of everything that annoys, horrifies, or disgusts us about other people or about ourselves. It holds all that we try to hide from those we love and all that we don’t want other people to think about us or find out about us. As the great Swiss psychologist C.G. Jung says, our shadow is the person we would rather not be.” Debbie Ford

What I think is important to mention is that our inner shadow is largely unknown to most of us, so unknown in fact that most of us have no idea at all that it exists. It represents those parts of us that lie outside our awareness, and our egos keep it that way. It takes efforts to make the unknown known, and once awareness is brought there, we can start working with our shadows to become a more whole, balanced, and integrated human being, and that means in simple terms; our authentic beauty and light as humans can shine.

The Pondering

Recently,

– being a mum had been feeling like a chore

– being an unschooling mum had been feeling even more like a chore

I found myself struggling to find ideas for my kids when I really felt like lying in the sun with a good book. I felt resentment that even though children are to return back to their respective schools soon, that mine wouldn’t be!

I thought to myself “Who have I become? Who was I before I was a mum? Why does it feel like the roles of being a mum, partner, homeschooling facilitator, and blogger are not happily co-existing with also just being ME?”

Let me introduce you to Caroline age 30.

I am Caroline. I am 30 years old. I work in a business school in Lausanne, Switzerland. I have my own apartment looking out at the beautiful vistas of Lake Geneva.

I have met a really cool guy called Joël. He is mysterious yet down to earth, shy yet quietly content in his own skin. And a French accent to die for!

I meet friends when I feel like it, stay home when I feel like it, and go for coffees with a good book often.

I love my life.

I am beautiful.

I am confident.

I am sexy.

I am free.

I am worthy.

I am independent.

I am fearless.

Fast forward 10 years to the present day….. sometimes I am not sure if I know that lady anymore, but she sure sounds like fun!

I certainly struggle to own those parts of me that felt so abundantly mine all those years ago. Since becoming a mum I have, at times, been feeling:

inadequate.

fearful.

aging.

unsexy.

dependant.

What has changed in the 7 years I have been a mum? It has been said that having children teaches us a lot about ourselves. No shit Sherlock!!!

Dr. Shefali (an Indian psychologist) puts it beautifully when she says

“Sometimes our children awaken us to our tardiness, other times to our obsessions, yet others to our anxieties, our need for perfection, our desire for control, our inability to say “yes” or our inability to say “no,” our power issues, our dependency issues, our marital troubles, our addictions. Most often they teach us how unable we are to be still. How to engage with full-on presence. How to be open. Spontaneous. Playful. Intuitive. Authentic. The list is endless. It is in how they act and react to us and then, how we act and react to them, that we are able to see our unconscious at play.

Let us stop imagining that parenting is about the raising of our children. Let’s get real and begin acting like a true parent and begin raising ourselves.”

Could those negative traits have been hidden from my awareness, but were in fact always there, waiting for an incident, a situation, a person, or having children to bring them to the fore? Have my children awoken my feelings of inadequacy, fear, aging, unsexiness, and dependency? And then, what do I do with this new awareness? Do I get rid of my kids so I can go back to finding the formerly listed traits that I embraced and liked about myself? Or do I go through the muddy puddles of the so-called negative traits, deciphering where they may have come from, embracing them, accepting them, and creating some new interpretations of them?

The Process

I have been reading a book called The Dark Side of the Shadow Chasers, and in it, the author Debbie Ford details many exercises that can help with owning parts of ourselves we have hidden away. She states that:

“the greatest act of courage is to be and to own all of who you are – without apology, without excuses, without masks to cover the truth of who you are.”

I have been thinking about that statement a lot, and wondered…

• What if being MORE you meant you became LESS likable or popular to others?
• What if embracing all those aspects of yourself that you don’t like, meant your social behaviour would change, and your friends may feel like they don’t know who you are anymore?

• What if you spoke with ultimate honesty, all the time, owning each word you say, with integrity, even if it makes you unpopular?
• My confidence, sexiness, worthiness must still be there, but what if it has felt unacceptable to embrace those aspects of myself in whatever mothering community I was part of?
• What if being more me meant I was less likable to my family members, my partner, or my children?
• What about ditching the f **king mask?!

She discusses one helpful way to reveal what are our hidden aspects in the following exercise.

Follow along, its fun in a vexatious kind of way!

Exercise 1

Take a page. Write down the name of someone you know.

Draw a line down the middle of the page and on one side write all the things you like about this person on the left, and that you don’t like on the right.

Now write before each item on the left column…I love myself when…..

And before each item on the right column: I don’t like myself when….

This is a simple way to identify that what you see in another person is really about you.

People in our lives can be catalysts for us to find our own beauty and light. Do we give away our power by projecting onto others all the positive aspects that we are not connected to? Likewise, do we emotionally plug into others the negative aspects of ourselves that we have disowned at some point in our lives because we felt like we needed to in order to be accepted?

So here’s my exercise completed, I changed the person’s name for obvious reasons.

So I guess it goes like this…..

I love myself when…. I am kind

I love myself when …. I am caring

I love myself when…. I am confident

I love myself when…. I am intelligent

I love myself when…. I am open-minded

I love myself when ….I see the big picture

I love myself when….. I don’t care what others think

I will admit, when I did this, I felt a little teary-eyed. Wow, am I begrudging my own innate power by projecting my own positive traits onto someone else? Am I ready to own my own kindness, my own confidence again as I once did pre-motherhood? Am I ready to care less about what others think?

And the negatives….

I don’t like myself when…. I am judgemental

I don’t like myself when…. I am self-righteous

I don’t like myself when…. I am obsessive

I don’t like myself when…. I am lazy

I don’t like myself when…. I am intense

I don’t like myself when…. I expect too much

Am I ready to accept that I am lazy and that this is okay, that I am judgemental and that this is also okay?

In doing this exercise, it has definitely become clear that I project my greatness, my power on other people that I am inspired by. It brings to my mind all the blogs I follow, the Instagram women of power, and the Ted talkers!

Exercise 2

A second exercise looks at our core beliefs, where they come from, then devising new interpretations for them. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. What are the core beliefs that are running my life?
2. Is this really my own idea, or did I adopt it?
3. Why do I have this belief?
4. Does this belief empower me?
5. What would I have to give up to alter this belief?

In my case……

1. What are the core beliefs that are running my life? I am not good enough.
2. Is this really my own idea, or did I adopt it? I adopted it from others.
3. Why do I have this belief? Because I believed what teachers etc said was true.
4. Does this belief empower me? Not at all!
5. What would I have to give up to alter this belief? I would have to give up the idea that this is the absolute truth.

Then write a short letter to each belief, thanking it for serving me.

Now invent a new belief to replace the old ones. Make a verbal commitment to honor this new belief.

“I am good just as I am, by being my true authentic self.”

This serves as a new positive affirmation to be repeated as much as possible. Stick it everywhere; on your bathroom mirror, on your fridge, etc!

Exercise 3

So the last exercise (and the most fun) has been to ask my friends and family for 3 of my positive traits and 3 of my negative traits. It proved difficult for many of them, and for those that did, there were lots of little sweet bracketed messages after the negative traits such as (oh but everyone is this) ! Many just sent the positives but not the negatives!

This is the definitive list.

Positives:

Endearing, Kind, Caring, Someone of integrity, Compassionate, Honest, Brave, Friendly, Positive, Creative, Earthy, Kind, Gentle, Connected, Can laugh at /with myself, Open-minded, Good listener

Negatives:

Too hasty, Judgemental, Naive, Obsessive, Self-deprecating, Catastrophiser, Worrier, Self-righteous, Entitled, Over-thinker, Highly-sensitive

According to Debbie Ford

“we need to learn how to live in the full range of human capacity, and not feel bad about doing it. We must embrace the dark in order to embrace the light”.

For sure some of these negative traits bug me about myself…. (like they did in exercise 1!) I don’t like that I worry too much, that I can be self-righteous and obsessive. However, it is the positive traits that I find harder to accept about myself and is an interesting discovery.

Am I brave? I feel so fearful most of the time.

Am I creative? I feel like I struggle with my own creative side, or when I am creative I downplay how great my idea/creation has been.

It reminds me of the following quote by Sarah Taylor.

“The racism that slips from the mouth of the quietest man. The rage that spills into the fists of a woman who never knew how to say, no, The standing back at the work of art you just created—words, pictures, sounds, and unconsciously scrawled YAWP!—and saying to yourself, “Did I just do that? Where the f*ck did that come from?”…The Shadow could feel ugly and abhorrent, or it could feel beautiful.”

I was born with a healthy emotional system. I loved and accepted myself at birth, and didn’t judge which sides of myself were good or bad. But then I started to learn from the world, like the rest of us. I learned how to act, what behaviours brought me acceptance and love, and what ones brought me rejection and disapproval.

But it takes all parts to make a whole person, the whole spectrum of emotions and traits? Deepak Chopra says

“Each of us possesses every existing human quality. There is nothing we can see or conceive that we are not, and the purpose of our journey is to restore ourselves to this wholeness.”

This is Caroline, 10 years later, aged 40.

Would I like to be MORE me? Hell, yes. I guess this means I have got to learn how to give all of ME permission to exist. And who knows, maybe it could make me more likable and popular in the end!

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Part 1: Arriving Home

I wasn’t sure if I would be able to write this post, mainly for logistical reasons of being on the road with no wifi. But here I am, sitting in the morning sun, writing this post, with a roof over my head, food in my belly and a stable internet connection. For those of you that don’t know, I have been travelling in Western Europe with my family in a campervan for the last 8 months. We may have had a bit of a headstart on the isolation front, after spending a rainy winter in Northern Portugal, house sitting and taking care of two ponies and a cat. It was an inspiringly remarkable time, albeit emotionally turbulent. We left our house-sit around Valentine’s day to head south, but our camper had other ideas and broke down along the motorway (see video below for the ‘momentous moment’!) What ensued was 3 weeks without our van and another somewhat isolated month in the Coimbra region.

We stayed in the stunning Portuguese countryside, with access to a car for groceries, but apart from a couple of days out, we pretty much stayed around our space, a room which became our bedroom, living room, playroom, dining room, and office!

We went for long walks in the nearby forest and had conversations in the courtyard with the gentle couple who owned the place.

After 3 weeks of back and forth to the garage with our van, which turned out to have electrical issues rather than mechanical ones, we were finally able to get back on the road. And here is the first thing we did. It is Thursday the 12th of March, on Quiaios beach, west of Coimbra.

We splashed, we played, we laughed, we ran. We stretched out our bubble-wrapped bodies (with lots of audible popping!) It felt incredible to have an expanse of open space in front of us. We all breathed multiple sighs of relief to have our little home on wheels back.

The very next morning Joel had a call from his dad in Switzerland to say the situation in relation to the virus was getting serious and that if we wanted to get back to Switzerland, we needed to move quickly. So we started packing immediately and we left last Friday evening (13th March) at 5 pm. The kids slept as we drove until around 10 pm and spent our first night in a little village called Castelo Mendo close by the Spanish border. It was too late to set up beds so we put Ben on cushions on the floor of the van and Chloe, Joel and I slept in the bed. It was cozy, to say the least! We woke up the next morning to birds singing, and a sense of quietude all around. It was stunningly beautiful and despite the fact that we felt a sense of fleeing, I also felt very blessed at that moment.

I breathed it all in, knowing that demanding times were to follow, and off we started, eating our cheese sandwiches from our seats so as not to waste much time. Apart from food, toilet, and petrol breaks, we drove until around 10.30 pm and arrived near Perigueux.

This time I slept on the floor and put the two kids with their daddy in the bed.

Our kids were amazing that day, they laughed and joked and listened to music and sat quietly looking around, reading books and telling stories. Without any screens whatsoever they found amusement in the most simple activities…..spotting yellow cars, porsches, or various farm animals. They are used to staying amused in the van, however, we never drove for so many hours crammed into one day.

The next morning I outstretched my arms to the pretty little river below us and thanked her for giving us a good night’s sleep. It was now Sunday.

It was an important day. It was to be the day we ended our van life adventures, the day we arrived at the country we had decided to settle down in, and the day that same country (Switzerland) might be closing its borders because of the virus. We were out of money, with no home, and no jobs to begin our new chapter. It felt overwhelming to juggle those narratives in my mind. So, I didn’t. Instead, I took each hour that day as it came.

We arrived at the Swiss border. Our dog Pepper has an ongoing health issue which causes him to cough sometimes, and lo and behold, he chose this moment to start hacking away as Joel spoke to the border control police! However, two minutes later and we on our way to the bosom of Joel’s family, and a warm meal was awaiting. It was the best raclette I have ever had.

The next morning we decided it was necessary to split up as 6 people and 2 large dogs in one apartment was going to be tricky, so we are presently in a relative’s chalet in the mountains, and this is where we will stay until the drama is over. Heres the view from the window, it could be worse right?!

I feel incredibly blessed right now.

Sure we have no home of our own and are currently relying on family to keep us going. Sure, there is no certainty about our future, our stability, or our security, but we are not alone. I breathe deep and acknowledge the distress and heartache that humanity is feeling right now. I quote from The Hidden Life of Trees, an extraordinary book I’ve just read and been inspirited by.

“…the most astonishing thing about trees is how social they are. The trees in a forest care for each other, sometimes even going so far as to nourish the stump of a felled tree for centuries after it was cut down by feeding it sugars and other nutrients, and so keeping it alive. Only some stumps are thus nourished. Perhaps they are the parents of the trees that make up the forest of today. A tree’s most important means of staying connected to other trees is a “wood wide web” of soil fungi that connects vegetation in an intimate network that allows the sharing of an enormous amount of information and goods. Scientific research aimed at understanding the astonishing abilities of this partnership between fungi and plants has only just begun. The reason trees share food and communicate is that they need each other. It takes a forest to create a microclimate suitable for tree growth and sustenance. So it’s not surprising that isolated trees have far shorter lives than those living connected together in forests. Perhaps the saddest plants of all are those we have enslaved in our agricultural systems. They seem to have lost the ability to communicate, and, as Wohlleben says, are thus rendered deaf and dumb. “Perhaps farmers can learn from the forests and breed a little more wildness back into their grain and potatoes,” he advocates, “so that they’ll be more talkative in the future.” Peter Wohlleben

Maybe the internet has now become our ‘soil fungi’ and for anyone who is alone right now…..consider that like the trees in a forest, we are all perhaps more connected than we really know.

Part 2: Coming Home

Right now there is a steady stream of challenges, activities, and schedules to help people cope with staying at home for the next month. And they are wonderful…. coaches, fitness experts, artists, bloggers, musicians, and actors are all providing entertainment and amusement in the hope that they bring some lightness and togetherness to a separated world.

We have for sure had to temporarily renounce many life liberties for the sake of keeping ourselves and others protected. Simultaneously, many of us have gained so much freedom right now, freedom to be with our children all day, freedom to rekindle our interests and hobbies laid to rest many years ago because of a lack of time, freedom from social commitments, events, engagements, schedules, and deadlines. We have been given this amazing gift of TIME, which may be unfamiliar life terrain for many of us.

The gift of time offers an opportunity for us to ‘come home.’

What does it mean for us to ‘come home’? What does coming home look like? When the virus has run its course, what could change for our planet when its inhabitants have been empowered to ‘come home’. Would it be business as usual, or could we see a shift for the benefit of ourselves and mother earth?

‘Coming home’ is insight into the true nature of who we are, as unique beings full of potential. What is your true nature? Have you ever asked yourself? What or who do you rely on to give meaning to your life? What if we could feel completely fulfilled by simply being rather than doing?

“The outside world can only trigger or block your experience of your true nature. Each time something beautiful takes your breath away, that’s you experiencing yourself. Each time you fall in love with someone, that’s you experiencing yourself. Each time a child’s smile gives you unspeakable joy, that’s you experiencing yourself. Your true nature is beautiful. Life is the art of rediscovering yourself, again and again, in different forms, celebrating, rejoicing, welcoming. You are beautiful. You are life itself.” — Vironika Tugaleva

“A butterfly does not wonder how it can stop being a caterpillar. It simply feels some feeling from within that tells it: isolate yourself in this cocoon and grow within it. It trusts that feeling. When it comes out, it is radiant and beautiful. All the little bug did was follow its nature. You are no different.”— Vironika Tugaleva

Of course, there are things that need doing: most of us, even those isolating at home still have meals to cook and washing to do. But what if we could allow ourselves the freedom to just be for the next thirty days, to just allow ourselves to be carried wherever life brings us. Most people can acknowledge the concept that we are being breathed without any effort on our part, thus what if we could accept that we are in the same way being lived, and there is nothing we need to do, except allowing that notion to sink right down into the pits of our bellies. Sounds simple right! And of course, it is … and it isn’t.

There is this one thing that gets in the way of coming home – our thinking mind.

Our mind is full of narratives about what we should and shouldn’t be doing. As great as all the current online challenges and schedules are; they give us a clear message – that we need to do, do, do and not be (be, be!!). That despite the world shutting down and us having the first time in our lives to just be, that we still need to be productive somehow or we will lose the run of ourselves.

But what if in losing ourselves we might actually find ourselves! We could actually come home to our absolute true authentic selves! And that would be an incredible shift for the whole planet!

So without further ado, I offer you some tips to help you begin the process of coming home, coming home to ourselves. These are insights I have had over the last year of travelling and intensive time alone and with my family. I write these tips as an important reminder to myself, and my thinking mind, and also to help any of you going through intense struggle at this time.

The ‘Just Be’ Challenge

• Today you are going to do nothing (except for the usual cooking, cleaning basics). Well-meaning folk are telling you that this is an opportunity to get X,Y, and Z done. That it is the perfect time to be productive, to set goals, to push yourself. Resist the temptation. Sit quietly, either alone or with your kids. Allow life to move through you. And see what happens. And see what happens then. Repeat……When you let go of your tight grip on how reality needs to look for you, all sorts of magic may happen. And you will go to bed tonight reveling in the fact that you did next to nothing today, and that it was ok.
• Tomorrow your job is to do the exact same thing as today. Allow life to move through you. I know it is excruciatingly hard. But just for the next two days…See what comes up. What you are drawn to. What thoughts are very strong for you right now?Break your cycle of busyness, of doing. Ask yourself: why is it so challenging to not set schedules, to not know how you are going to fill your day and your children’s day? Are you afraid of losing control, or your mind? You are not alone. This is what our mind does! Thoughts come, thoughts go, its all part of the human experience. Your job is to just watch them, to put out the welcome mat for them, knowing that each thought is temporary and fleeting, as caustic as it seems. And remember, as a collective, we are having more of the same thoughts now than ever before! We really are all in the same boat!

The Kids are Alright

For those of us with children who are schooled this is an extra challenging time. I have been unschooling (homeschooling without curriculum) for almost 2 years and my biggest takeaways are:

• Don’t worry about your children. Your children are learning so much by living and doing. Right now the mental health of your children takes precedence to any maths division or reading exercises. It is a taxing time for your children too, so cut them some slack and relax your grip a little. As an unschooling mum, I rely on living and doing as the cornerstone of my children’s education – and I trust that that is enough, as thorny as that can feel sometimes. I ask myself what will be the most important qualities an individual will need to possess in our world in twenty years’ time, and my answer always revolves around – free-thinking, compassion, problem-solving, risk-taking and loving what they do.

• Get the kids moving every day…set up obstacle courses…be creative and get their input. If you don’t have a garden or can’t go out then get music on (or Cosmic Kids yoga on YouTube is fab) Katy Bowman offers a ton of indoor movement ideas here and a ton of outdoor ideas for all age groups here.
• Get them started on something and you will most likely be able to leave them to it. Get out some supplies …art supplies, scraps, fabric bits, glue, scissors. Spend 30 good solid minutes totally present (leave your phone on airplane mode, even better put it out of sight, so your kids know you are really present). Then once they are in their creative flow, you may be free to leave if you wish to do so – but I warn you you may not want to!
• Don’t limit yourself to those ‘Pinterest’ projects that have a clearly defined goal. The best projects are those that start only with supplies and an idea. Allow your kids to brainstorm, hash out ideas together and see the glorious creations of children who are allowed space to be authentically creative, not just following steps to hash out versions of someone else’s creation.
• There’s an abundance of online stuff (even more so now) to get ideas….we are keeping it simple …we do a couple of Science Max videos on YouTube and the author Mo Willems is doing a free half-hour doodle session every day. See what your kids want to do…follow their interests, their lead, their curiosity, get involved. But DON’T overdo it – take this time to allow their creativity to blossom, allow a little bit of boredom. In fact, boredom is required! It is where the most amazing games/ideas/projects can spring from. It is easy to feel inadequate as an unschooling mum…. I hear myself constantly saying “I should be doing more, I should be finding BETTER resources.” I am working on trusting that what I give my kids is enough and they are exactly where they need to be in terms of learning and life.
• Your kids will protest, dislike you, even the big bad ‘hate’ word might come rolling out of their little mouths. Your role as a parent isn’t to suck up to your kids so they will like you. Your role is to hold space for their emotions and offer guidance. So when they plead to you saying they are bored….say ‘how wonderful – when I was young, being bored meant that something really fun and special was about to happen!!!’ Mine used to look at me sideways when I do that, but now they rarely get bored.
• Change your mindset about what is learning for the next month. As an unschooling mum, I see learning coming from the most mundane things such as watching ants collect food or the technique of cracking eggs to make a cake. It is all about building our kid’s attention spans, something that modern-day technology fails to do most of the time. In our house, we love humanising our dog. So we all sit watching Pepper and pretend we are reading his thoughts. We vocalise them into a running commentary and it is always absurdly amusing. For me, it is an important lesson in attention and patience, watching the small details of Peppers’s nose and head movements, because we cannot direct Pepper in the movements, so he might just lie there for a few minutes before giving us anything to work with!
• Allow your house to get messy as hell (or a section of your house at least) to let your kid’s imaginations run wild!!!
• Remember, this is the one moment of your life where you might get to spend more time than ever before with your kids, so enjoy it! Get stuck into the creative process with them and great things will come! You might never want to send them back to school!

The Rules

• Be very clear with yourself about how much news and social media you can consume, before you start feeling anxious. I take a look at what is going on in the news in the mornings, and once more throughout the day. I have stopped allowing myself to go on social media at night before bed, and it really interferes with a restful sleep for me.
• Be incredibly kind to yourself. If there was a time to practice self-compassion, then this is it! If you have a moment of madness, have it, then let it go. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
• As far as you can maintaining social distancing, do things in your day that make your heart sing. For me, this means meditation, movement, sitting in the garden and taking in the sun, and chatting to friends on zoom or whatsapp.
• Eat as well as you can.
• Sleep as well as you can.

I will leave you all with a quote from Doe Zantamata.

Take care, and come home to yourself XX

“It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed.” – Doe Zantamata

The post Have you begun the Process of ‘Coming Home?’ appeared first on Bare Soled Girl.

“I have spent much of my adult life saying Yes when I wanted to say No, and saying No when I wanted to say Yes. I am moving towards a new paradigm – of saying No when I want to say No, and saying Yes when I want to say Yes.”

Sounds simple right?! I have been considering why this been a monumental part of my reality for as long as I can remember. As perennial habit patterns are being brought to my awareness, laid bare, and stripped of their carapace, I am finally seeing their fatuity and futility. I lay out below some conclusions I have come to, and hope that some of you reading may possibly gain an accelerated insight from them!

Why I said Yes when I wanted to say No?

Sacred Life Principles

I hadn’t set formulated clear sacred principles and priorities for what I wanted from my life, therefore any opportunity that came my way, it made sense to just grab it. Why would I say No when I didn’t even know what I wanted myself? So I said Yes……

Yes, I would commit to the voluntary role of administrator for the community group, even though I was already quite busy. I was pleased that the group admins deemed me responsible enough to take on this role. And so, in saying Yes I was left with less time for my family, a caressed ego, and eventual resentment towards the group.

Yes, I would take the database job, even though I know I had transferable skills in other areas.

Yes, I would go shopping all day, even though shopping centers drive me crazy.

Yes, I would have a meetup, even though I was breastfeeding and exhausted.

I was the queen of saying Yes when i wanted to say No.

My emerging paradigm:

I am figuring out the absolute priorities for my life. I am making lists. I am crossing out lists. I’m making new lists. Being offered an opportunity, a job position, an invite, or a sofa inflate my ego and make me feel important, there’s no doubt about that. So I am questioning whether these offers authentically align with my life principles and priorities, and am henceforth practicing declining those offers that don’t, politely of course.

There are two things to note here. The first is that my life principles may and probably will change from year to year, decade to decade, and that’s okay! We all need different things in our lives at different times. The second is to look out… the universe will test you, all the time. No sooner will you formulate a clear principle around only working with a company that aligns with your values, than Unsustainable Inc. will give you a call offering you an amazing position with an amazing salary! This will happen, guaranteed, and it has happened to me on numerous occasions.

Pleasing People

I aspired to please people, especially my family, my teachers and my friends. Then children came along, and i strived diligently to be the perfect parent, (which doesn’t exist by the way). I said Yes to commands, demands, requests, obligations, and favours. There is no doubt that i have grown up caring profusely about what those around me think of me.

My emerging paradigm:

Man, this is a tough one. The need to please others is so ingrained in me, it’s baffling to know where to begin. I am sure it comes from a need for self-acceptance on a deeper level. Nevertheless, I am coming to terms with the fact that the only person I really need to please is myself. And through pleasing myself, the people around me get to have a happier more content Caroline in their life, so everyone wins! It isn’t pleasing yourself in a selfish uncaring way. It is to simply put yourself and your needs as a priority. Another aspect here that has allowed things to shift for me was to get curious.

“What is it in me that needs to say Yes when i want to say No?

What am i afraid of?

What will happen if i say No?”

If i say No to the kids for cinema today, will they hate me? Will they be forced to confront unpleasant uncomfortable feelings, that perhaps I don’t want to hold space for?

When I asked myself these questions, these are the answers I came up with.

By saying No, they would learn the value of patience that modern society struggles with, they would learn that life is not an Amazon store and that when you live with other people, you need to respect their needs too! It also gave them a chance to experience big feelings and gave mum a chance to practice being unfazed by those big feelings. This, in turn, could allow them to be vessels of their own feelings and not force them to shut-down, an important gift we can give our kids!

Keeping Peace

I have avoided confrontation in my life like the plague. I have chosen not to assert myself in favour of harmony and a quiet life. My sheepish diffidence was bound to breed resentment of course, and it did so in many realms of my life, from career to relationships.

My emerging paradigm:

I hypothesise that the people around you are the mirrors to your soul. They are there to show you parts of yourself that need renovating.

For example, I have a Swiss partner. He is very direct, assertive and strong-minded. Food shopping is always an interesting experience. Only yesterday we were busily creating a meal plan (in the supermarket, with two hungry kids, hee hee) and I fancied some greens in some shape or form. When I picked up a bok choi, Joel considered that it might turn the kids off their burrito bowls and that it was better to just get extra peppers. But I genuinely wanted a bok choi in that burrito bowl, and I knew if chopped up small enough, that the kids would eat it. But, I walked past my beloved bok choi.

“The cogs of resentment, victimization, and frustration began to turn. (yes over a cabbage!)”

So I got curious again. What am I afraid of? I said my partner is strong-minded, but he’s not an asshole! And so I simply stated my wish to have them in the meal, popped them in the basket and life moved on without further debate. I had made up a story that I needed to back down, to prevent any confrontation. Meanwhile, Joel just wanted to get the shopping done! So Joel served as a very important mirror here. He showed me what I needed to do at that moment, even though he was unaware of such.

Distraction from Uncomfortable Emotions

Dealing with uncomfortable emotions had always been a struggle for me. I ran away from feelings of boredom, frustration, and loneliness for years. All it took was a chance of escape, any escape and I was there. I would keep busy saying Yes to anything and everything, busying myself until those difficult feelings subsided. In reality they were being pushed further down, and were bound to keep surfacing until I dealt with them.

My emerging paradigm:

Again, I ask myself….

“What is it in me that needs to say Yes when i want to say No?

What am i afraid of?

What will happen if i say No?”

Perhaps I was afraid that I wasn’t strong enough to deal with those feelings like they would overcome me, or eat me up! I asked myself what was my real reason for feeling lonely, often despite being around people, a lot.

As Mark Twain once said,

“The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.”

So I am going all-in with feelings of boredom or loneliness. I see brewing emotions that were once problematic as challenges, as chances for insight, for new clarity, for growth. If I am feeling like shit, and a friend wants to meet up, I figure its best to postpone the meet-up and to take a little space to welcome this emotion that has reared its melancholy head.

Of course now with children boredom doesn’t happen very often, but we have spent a rainy winter in the middle of the countryside in Northern Portugal. I had no insurance to drive a vehicle, so I had to get used to country life … with no people, nevermind friends around me for almost 4 months ( save a couple of forest school meet-ups ).

It has been one of the best times of my life.

As a 40-year-old, I had to finally face myself, deal with those feelings I have suppressed with entertainment and distraction for so much of my adult life. There was no escaping my family for coffees, walks around Tesco ( yes I did that! ).

I had the forest.

I had the garden.

I had the river.

I wandered around. I got into the river. I felt those uncomfortable emotions … of feeling trapped, of feeling lonely, of feeling fed up. I surrendered. It felt like for the first time in my life, I was allowing a bigger spectrum of emotions to surge through me. The pleasant ones I had grabbed and clutched tightly, but the unpleasant ones, well I never really knew what to do with those. But it became clear. I needed to allow those too. They were all just part of what it means to be human. And they are beautiful and show us who we are. And I spent some wonderful moments with my family.

I will never forget winter 2019. And for the record, I still have a long way to go, but I am beginning to say No when I want to say No, and Yes when I want to say Yes!

Thank you for reading x

P.S. There is of course another thing called the Enlightened Yes! That’s a post for another day, but I’ll leave you with this sketch from the wonderful Irish series Father Ted. Here Mrs Doyle won’t allow her friend to pay for her lunch because it’s polite to just say No.

The post The Enlightened No appeared first on Bare Soled Girl.

What is success to you?

Success signifies different things to different people. It may also change from one decade to another. For me, success means a fulfilled life, in which I have the courage and freedom to be myself.

How do you stay centered in the middle of chaos?

I breathe in for 4, out for 4 and hold for 4. Simple as that sounds, it’s a highly effective technique that gets me through chaotic moments. 

How do you do your bit for the planet?

By sending out compassion during meditation, by only taking what I need from it, and by enjoying all the beauty to be experienced in this life.

What advice would you give your younger self?                                    

Stop wasting time looking for happiness, it’s to be found inside of you (cheesy as that sounds). Be authentically yourself, be honest about your needs, and assert yourself. I would also have myself read these 3 books:

• The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton
• Turning the Mind into an Ally by Sakyong Mipham
• Being Human by Amy Johnson 

What is magic for you?

Thoughtless present moments are pure magic, rare and unforgettable.

Also, synchronicities. I don’t believe things happen by chance or coincidence anymore. I’ve had way too many synchronicities in my life for that!

What is love for you?

When you love yourself completely, in complete acceptance of your shadow, and in a way that negates any need for another person. When you get to that place, there are no expectations from the other person, you completely accept who they are and allow them total space and freedom to find their own way. This is a work in progress in my own relationship, but my partner and I are both dedicated to doing the work to get to that place where our first love is ourselves!

What is your biggest challenge?

Practicing self-compassion, and not falling into old habits that don’t serve me.

What is your beauty/ health practice?

I will begin with the beauty practice, as it’s short! 

I’m going to be blatantly honest and say that I get up and go in the morning… I splash my face with water and that’s it. A few nights a week, I massage castor oil onto my face and neck. Then rinse it off with a hot damp cloth. Then I massage a blend of oils into my skin. Currently, my handmade blend is organic rosehip, neem, and jojoba oil with patchouli and frankincense essential oil. The rest of the week it’s a quick splash of water and off to bed. 

As for my hair, I currently use Theraneem organic shampoo and conditioner. I do an Olaplex repair treatment once a month and use Cantu curl cream for my curls. I don’t really use any body moisturizers or oils, and shave/dry skin brush when I remember! 

1. Dry skin brush
2. Theraneem shampoo and conditioner
3. Face and massage brushes
4. Sage for smudging
5. Wide toothed comb
6. Various organic face oils for mixing
7. Dr. Bronner toothpaste, toothbrush and razor (Yes, they are plastic. I’m making the shift… one thing at a time)
8. Pukka castor oil for face cleansing
9. RMS organic eye shadow and foundation pots (for the odd time I wear makeup)
10. Homemade dry skin egg (shea butter, coconut oil)
11. Cantu curl cream
12. Weleda wild rose body wash

In relation to health practices, I have simplified things a lot over the years.

I meditate in some shape or form, every day, be it for 5 minutes before I go to sleep, 10 minutes before lunch is ready or 5 minutes walking to the shop. I have stopped committing myself to any schedules that with children and a busy life might need twigging from day to day, as I found this in itself was a source of discontent. I noticed I was criticizing myself if I didn’t stick to the unrealistic goals I set week by week. I smudge sage over myself from time to time, as a general reset button.

I make efforts to go into cold water as often as I can… Which for now is easy with a river beside where we stay, so I go into the river around 3 times a week and am absolutely hooked. There’s a definite internal debate each time I go for my dip.

I try my damnedest to talk myself out of it, because… Well, it’s uncomfortable. But the rewards are so meaningful. Physically, I feel vital, focused, alive and energized the rest of the day. Emotionally, I feel brighter, spirited and grateful, and yes there’s even a spiritual component. I experience a feeling of surrender and release, the same kind of feeling you get when you have just spilled your heart out to a dear friend. The river has become a dear friend.

I eat balanced home-prepared meals, as local and organic as I can commit to, depending on where we are and the budget for that particular week. 

As far as supplements, I have stripped them right down to the following: 

I take a universal mold, heavy metal and toxin binder a few times a week, mixed with apple juice and water kefir.

I take Oriel Magnesium drops when I think of it.

I make efforts to take time out when I need it, and now accept that short bursts here and there are as beneficial as full days away from everyone. 

What makes your spirit glow? 

Being myself. When I’m with people that I can be my authentic self, my spirit glows. Also, dancing to music and listening to music.

What have you learned about yourself since you became a nomad?

I’ve become acutely aware of aspects of my environment that seemingly trigger me. I’m catching myself a little quicker, so I don’t fall into spiraling cascades of negative thoughts and feelings. Also, I’m enjoying my own company immensely! I don’t think I ever spent so much time in my own company.

What things in life are still a mystery to you?

Why it takes people decades of their lives (including me) to come home to themselves or begin the journey of coming home to themselves. If only this stuff was taught in school!

If you could ask a guru any question that you want to know the answer to, what would you ask?

I wouldn’t ask one. I’ve watched the YouTube videos, read the self-help books, went to more retreats than I can count. As a wise lady from Carlingford once said to me “the more we know, the more we realise we know nothing. In the end, we are all just putting one step in front of the other”. 

If you could say one thing to the youth of the world what would you say?

You have been led astray. Everywhere you look, you are bombarded with messages that you’re not enough. This breeds fear and disconnects you from the truth of who you are. We all have everything in us to succeed, to live a fulfilled life. The only thing keeping us from this is our own thinking, so remember, don’t believe every thought you have. Be authentic, and practice self-compassion every day of your life. Don’t follow anyone’s path but your own.

The post In bed with….the Bare Soled Girl appeared first on Bare Soled Girl.

I dislike being uncomfortable. I like routine. I like stability. I like when things don’t change too much. I like security. I like days in pyjamas.

We’re here on this planet to be happy right? And to be happy implies having a pleasant and comfortable existence right?

It’s reassuring to come to this conclusion, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. And yet, I am being pulled (kicking and screaming) toward an understanding that being happy has diddly-squat to do with comfort, and everything to do with discomfort.

For instance:

Why park at the end of the supermarket carpark when you can park in front of the door?

Why walk over lumpy bumpy ground in a forest with a 3mm shoe sole?

Why turn the shower temperature to the cold setting or go skinny dipping in a river on a winter morning?

Why do 10-day silent meditation retreats sitting from 4 am to 9 pm at night?

Why ditch my furniture for a year as an experiment?

Why live in a cramped camper van with my partner, two children and large dog?

Why look inward when someone has just pissed me off?

Why start a new blog with zero writing experience?

Hmm… because I’m a masochist?!

Haha, yes, I know that’s what you’re thinking! 

Brené Brown has a great quote that elucidates all above whys.

“We need to cultivate the courage to be uncomfortable and to teach the people around us how to accept discomfort as a part of growth.” (Brené Brown)

Reflect back to when you were a child. You had to learn how to walk, to ride a bike, to talk, even to eat! These things were all accomplished by incredible daring, embracing discomfort, getting up again when we fell, pushing ourselves over and over. Yet, as adults we shun difficult processes, choosing Netflix and pizza instead (nothing wrong with Netflix, or pizza by the way). I have consciously chosen to participate in these practices and processes as I knew/know they could/will have a positive influence on my physical, emotional and spiritual self.

Why park at the end of the supermarket carpark when you can park in front of the door?

We live on autopilot. We enter the supermarket carpark and advance straight for the store entrance sign as if we plan to enter with our vehicle. On realising cars aren’t allowed, we park more or less on top of the store entrance. And we don’t examine why we do it. If we break it down, there’s a time saving of approximately 2 minutes there and back. I still catch myself doing it, and sometimes my partner catches me when I sneakily suggest parking by the store entrance!

On the other hand, you could say this only offers a meager 2 minutes of additional movement to your day, so what’s the point? Additional movement isn’t my only reason for parking far away from the entrance. Yes, it feels nice to have the car right there for you when you exit with your shopping, like an old friend there with open arms! We are creatures of habit and will always look for the path of least resistance. Whilst it may seem insignificant, changing any small habit can activate new neural pathways in the brain in a very short period of time. So it’s expanding your ability to go outside your comfort zones, just a little bit. I know it’s a lazy habit, but also it’s a very achievable habit to change, so a good starter. One for those of you, like me, who have done this as far back as you can remember!

Psychologist Deann Ware Ph.D., explains how habits form: “when brain cells communicate frequently, the connection between them strengthens and the messages that travel the same pathway in the brain over and over begin to transmit faster and faster.” With enough repetition, these behaviours become automatic.

How to do it?

Positive Emotion: the more emotion engaged in thinking and feeling, the more neurons you fire to form well-worn pathways. So look at the intention behind parking further away and attach a positive emotion to it. Feel this positive emotion as you enter the car park. Visualise yourself getting more confident, healthy, and vivacious just by changing this little habit in your life.

Repetition: Keep it up. Be consistent. When the excuses come, and they will come (my old favourite is that I actually don’t have time today for this nonsense).

Why walk over lumpy bumpy ground in a forest with a 3mm shoe sole?

Nowadays, people predominantly walk on flat, level, and hard surfaces (man-made, concrete, indoor flooring, city pavements, etc) in our day to day lives. We then read about the benefits of barefoot footwear, and invest in a pair, innocently thinking that this is all we need to increase the health of our feet. We then wonder why our feet ache at the end of a day of wearing barefoot shoes, walking around a shopping mall. What is the dilemma here? Firstly, your feet have probably spend most of their life barely moving, and now they have all these freedom but are still locked up.

Secondly, most surfaces are lacking in something Katy Bowman has coined “vitamin texture”.

“It’s not only what you put on your feet, it’s what you put your feet on.” (Katy Bowman)

We have 33 joints and over 100 muscles, tendons and ligaments in each foot that need to be moved, and bumpy lumpy ground is perfect for foot mobilisation. Stones, rocks, hills, snow, pebbles, branches, grass, soil and sand poke and prod our tissues causing small deformations, which is actually a great thing when it comes to overall foot health. We cannot imagine heading out to a forest with bricks on our feet right? Well, that’s kind of what we do when we wear conventional footwear. 

1. Most are so inflexible that we don’t feel anything under us. A forest is generally a texture-rich environment, and so is perfect for foot sensory feedback.
2. Most are heavily padded, so that we may as well be on a pavement in the middle of a city. 
3. Most are heavy and drag our feet down.
4. Most crush our toes into a tight toebox, so we cannot utilise our forefoot for balance on uneven surfaces (a function of our toes is balance!).

Sure, it can be uncomfortable at the beginning and I’m not advocating you go from highly cushioned Sketchers to Vivos in a week, (the advice is to definitely go slow here), but when your feet start to become less like hard bricks and more like soft putty, a walk in the forest will feel like a gorgeous massage! 

I went through a 6 month period of transitioning to barefoot, where my feet that had been squished into shoe shaped and not foot-shaped shoes were screaming at me “hey, too much sensory feedback down here!” I am over the discomfort now, and there’s nothing I love more than a good forest foot massage!

(Please see this study by Katrina M. Brown for some other benefits of textured terrain in exercise in general)

How to do it?

Barefoot Shoes: I will discuss in more detail in other posts the characteristics of a barefoot shoe, but have given some pointers here for kids which apply to adults.

I will caution here that the transition to barefoot needs to be slow and gradual.

Restorative Exercises: You can’t expect to turn your brick feet into putty feet in a wink. Start massaging your feet while watching tv, roll on some small squishy balls. I’ll cover this in more depth in later posts, but for now, here’s one stretch to get you started. 

Textured Ground: Find a forest or beach. If this is not possible, find a park with grassy or rocky areas. If this is not possible, make your own textured surfaces to spend some time on at home. Some ideas here are stones, pieces of wood, tennis balls, squishy balls, cushions, Lego (ouchie)… the possibilities are endless. 

Breathing: When you’re starting out, the smallest pebbles underfoot may feel like boulders. Breathe… deep breaths in and out of your body. You are wakening up your body, you are becoming alive… freedom from the ground up… remember growth comes from discomfort!

Why turn the shower temperature to the cold setting or go skinny dipping in a river on a winter morning?

Two words… Wim Hof! This guy is worth checking out. He has inspired me to begin to see the cold as my warm friend!

Cold water increases circulation, improves the immune system, decreases inflammation, and increases metabolism. When I plunge into cold water, I feel intensely connected to my inner world as well as the natural world if it’s a natural setting of a river for instance. Plus, I also feel incredibly spirited and alive. When you are coping with being submerged in cold water, you are certainly not distracted by mundane thoughts about what to cook for dinner, or how stressful your job is! Let’s face it, there is nothing pleasant about cold water, nonetheless, it increases my tolerance for cold and I generally suffer less now in Winter than I used to.

How to do it?

1. Take a shower.
2. Before you get out of the shower, change the temperature to cold. Make the water as cold as you can stand it.
3. Stand under the cold water for a full thirty seconds, then get out.

Why do 10-day silent meditation retreats sitting from 4 am to 9 pm at night?

I think… a lot. I’m even guilty of having what Dr Amy Johnson calls “thoughtmares” sometimes. In her wonderful book entitled “Being Human”, she discusses how we seem to create thoughts that become nightmares in our mind, despite being fully awake. By catastrophising and spiralling one thought into another, each one more becomes more exorbitant than the one before, and like nightmares, have no basis in reality! I’ve worked a lot on understanding the nature of my thoughts, however, I still need breathing practices to quiet them. Vipassana retreats focus on connecting breath and body and involve sitting in meditation for about 14 hours per day. They are silent and the last meal is at noon. I actually enjoy the silence immensely, however, the sitting focusing on my breath and body can be intense and downright painful at times. Nevertheless, the shifts and insights that come in those 10-day retreats are profound for me. They clear out all sorts of resentment, feelings of anger and bitterness, bodily stress, and bring to the surface old memories and fears that I haven’t looked at in my day to day life.

How to do it?

1. Start a meditation practice that interests you. There are no rules here. Anything that brings you to your own bodily sensations is good. Anything that allows your thoughts to slow down to a point that you can feel fully present is good.
2. If you feel drawn to it, then book yourself in for a retreat of some kind. There are wonderful organisations all over the world lasting from 1 day to months at a time. The 10 day ones I did were with dhamma.org.

Here’s a quick breath practice I’m loving right now. If you want to feel more alive in just over 10 minutes, this is excellent. ( Then take a cold shower. I promise you the discomfort will be worth it!)

Why ditch my furniture for a year as an experiment?

Ha, this was an interesting one. I was in the middle of my 2-year training with Nutritious Movement and was experimenting with ways to bring more movement into my family life.

No one objected, so we got rid of the sofa and chairs in my living room, and replaced them with cushions. Sitting on the floor demands your body to expend more energy, increases muscle mass, and tissue length, shuttles more blood around whilst absorbing more oxygen. One year later I can say that my partner and i definitely became more flexible, could squat better, sit in a myriad of ways, and embraced stretching whilst relaxing.

My kids are young so they rarely used the furniture anyway. When you are a Lego master you need to be on the floor anyhow! My friends weren’t surprised as I always have some whacky project on the go, and family just thought it was a bit weird! Looking back, it was a considerable learning experience. Nonetheless, I do believe in the importance of rest and relaxation, and lying on a sofa with a good book is as restful as it gets, so I know feel a balance is awesome!

How to do it?

Before you read any further, I invite you to sit on the floor. Feel the resistance of your mind and body. See how often you shift position. This is OK! It’s a new experience right! I’m not asking you to ditch your 3 seater, but the next time you are watching a movie, take your booty to the floor and feel the sensory information coming at you from the different angles of your body parts in space.

Why live in a cramped camper van with my partner, two children and large dog?

To be frank, we wanted out of the rat race for a while. We wanted to experience new things, to live simply and frugally, to enjoy our children and each other. And when the sun is shining and everyone was in an amicable mood, we’ve had some magnificently blissful moments. And then it would rain, and we would all get sick, and the dirty water tank would overflow, and the roof would leak. The irritability amongst us in that van has been palpable at times! And this is the discomfort piece again, isn’t it! This is all part of the experience, and it has been really essential for the kids and for us to recognise and absorb that all these elements are fundamental to a big FULL FREE life.

How to do it?

It’s a long story. I’ll do a post, I promise!

Why look inward when someone has just pissed me off?

This is inner discomfort at its best. I believe every person we meet is a mirror of what we are. When someone has royally pissed us off, we analyse the character defects in them, we criticize them. “I’m right and they’re wrong”, we say. As the years roll by, I realise that I’m only irritated by these blemishes because the very same issues are unresolved within me. If they weren’t issues for me, they would roll off my back. I see people getting so annoyed by the things others have said to them. But in these uncomfortable moments, there is a great learning to be had. Look inward and ask yourself, why this is triggering you so much? And remember it’s also a choice what you allow yourself to be affected by.

I vaguely remember a story Goenka told at one of the 10-day retreats I attended. 

“One day the Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. “You have no right teaching others,” he shouted. “You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake!” The Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead, he asked the young man, “Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?” The young man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, “It would belong to me because I bought the gift.” The Buddha smiled and said, “That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself.”

We build and legitimise stories around why we don’t need to look inward or face the inconvenient truths about our lives. We tell ourselves we don’t need to:

Make amends with the friend we fell out with years ago

Take the stairs instead of the elevator

Go for a walk even though its raining

Leave the job we hate

Do something that scares us

Take on advice which upsets our ego

Break up with our partner

Accept that maybe our child has something profound to teach us 

When in fact, these things, uncomfortable as they are, could bring a whole world of joy and fulfillment, if only we were prepared to accept the challenge of dealing with them.

How to do it?

1. Allow yourself to calm down, but remember this: it’s a scientific fact that an emotion creates a physiological response lasting only 90 seconds from start to finish. If your reaction lasts longer than this, it means you have generated more negative thoughts around the event leading to continued negative emotions arising and passing.
2. Ask yourself some questions. Get curious.

What part of me has been triggered and why? What am I afraid of (because usually there’s a fear element tangled up somewhere)? If this feeling had a useful role to play in my experience of being me, what would it be? Am I 100% right here?

Why start a new blog with zero writing experience?

Why not! Life is short… and unpredictable… and to be enjoyed. I enjoyed writing as a little girl, so I’m having a go at awakening those creative forces I perceive to be hidden inside somewhere. Sure, it’s awkward and intimidating and uncomfortable right now as I write this and I feel like my vocabulary range is that of my 4-year-old, but I’m putting it out there anyway. I think if my ideas can benefit someone, they’re worth putting out there.

How to do it?

1. Open an account on Substack (it is totally free y’ know)
2. Spill your blood and guts on paper
3. Share spilled blood and guts with everyone you know

So, to end this loooooong post, please share my spilled blood and guts with everyone you know. I would really appreciate it.

Now go have a cold shower (brrrrr!) 

The post The Importance of Being Uncomfortable appeared first on Bare Soled Girl.